tag:www.umbc.edu,2013:/blogs/wellness//67 2013-05-31T20:06:32Z Movable Type 3.34 tag:www.umbc.edu,2013:/blogs/wellness//67.17322 2013-05-31T20:06:01Z 2013-05-31T20:06:32Z

This month we will be exploring one of six ways we can add deposits into the emotional bank accounts we have with others. Stephen Covey’s first suggested deposit is that we understand the individual. For most of us, understanding the...

Jill Wardell This month we will be exploring one of six ways we can add deposits into the emotional bank accounts we have with others. Stephen Covey’s first suggested deposit is that we understand the individual. For most of us, understanding the individual happens through our own perception – we bring our own values, ways of being and doing into the process and then form automatic judgments about the person based on these. The consequence is that we never get to a point where we truly understand or have empathy for them. Most people can sense whether or not they are truly being heard and this affects trust. In order for us to develop empathy, we need to get outside of our own egos and get curious about this unique other human being who has a completely different set of values, ways of being and doing than us. One easy way we can quickly move into this stance is before engaging to repeat the Covey mantra to ourselves: “Seek first to understand then to be understood.” In the next month, practice getting into an empathic and curious stance in your relationships with others. If it helps, repeat the phrase to yourself – “Seek first to understand then to be understood” and remember to do this especially with people you know well (both those whom you like AND dislike). These relationships may need more deposits than others. Notice how things change as you practice true understanding and empathy, both in you and in your relationships. tag:www.umbc.edu,2013:/blogs/wellness//67.17268 2013-05-03T20:49:47Z 2013-05-03T20:52:45Z

This month’s practice comes from author and consultant, Stephen Covey. In his book, “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People,” Covey uses the metaphor of the Emotional Bank Account to describe relationships. This metaphor works with any relationship – coworkers,...

Jill Wardell This month’s practice comes from author and consultant, Stephen Covey. In his book, “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People,” Covey uses the metaphor of the Emotional Bank Account to describe relationships. This metaphor works with any relationship – coworkers, family, friends, etc., and the idea is simple. We enter into relationships with a neutral balance and over time we can make deposits or withdrawals. Instead of using dollars, we view these deposits and withdrawals in terms of ‘emotional units’ that are centered around trust. In the book, Covey outlines six ways that we make deposits: understanding the individual, keeping commitments, clarifying expectations, attending to the little things, showing personal integrity, and apologize sincerely when we make a withdrawal. We will be delving further into each of these over the next six months but for now wanted to lay the groundwork for the overarching philosophy of relationship as emotional bank account. Over the next month, look at your relationships in terms of this concept. Pay attention to those that have a positive balance. What deposits do you make on a regular basis to tend to these relationships and what difference does it make? Similarly, with relationships with a negative balance, how did they get there? What withdrawals do you make regularly and what difference do these make? Write down what you observe and keep this list handy for next month as we begin exploring the first of 6 major ways of making relationship deposits. tag:www.umbc.edu,2013:/blogs/wellness//67.17216 2013-03-29T20:59:35Z 2013-03-29T21:38:22Z

It seems everywhere we turn, we see more examples of Flashmobs – groups of people who assemble in public places to perform an act, either artistic, political, or social. See the below link for a flashmob in Sabadell, Spain performed...

Jill Wardell https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GBaHPND2QJg ]]> tag:www.umbc.edu,2013:/blogs/wellness//67.17171 2013-03-01T21:48:53Z 2013-03-01T21:49:14Z

Let’s venture to the East for this month’s relationship practice. In Japan, there is a strong cultural aesthetic and world view called wabi-sabi which is largely linked to the concept of beauty. For the Japanese, for something to be wabi-sabi,...

Jill Wardell Let’s venture to the East for this month’s relationship practice. In Japan, there is a strong cultural aesthetic and world view called wabi-sabi which is largely linked to the concept of beauty. For the Japanese, for something to be wabi-sabi, it embodies a sense of impermanence and imperfection. This month’s practice invites us to practice how to see the wabi-sabi-ness of our relationships and to hold them with compassion. How might that look? We might give our partner the benefit of the doubt, smile instead of criticize the next time they make a mistake, assume good intentions, notice with lightness our own shortcomings and talk about these with our partner, etc. The point is we are learning to further flex our compassion and gratitude muscles and practicing both of these ways of being only strengthens our relationships. In the next month, notice the changing, imperfect nature of your relationship. When you find yourself attached to an outcome that is missing, stop and try to see the beauty in what’s in front of you. Can you see the beauty in the humanness of the situation? Use it as a teaching moment to share a piece of gratitude that you have for your partner and watch what happens as a result. tag:www.umbc.edu,2013:/blogs/wellness//67.17133 2013-02-01T19:34:55Z 2013-02-01T19:35:45Z

In the pursuit of creating healthy relationships, we will inevitably slip now and then and make mistakes that affect our relationships. This is to be expected. We are practitioners of healthy relationships and as such we are actively engaged in...

Jill Wardell In the pursuit of creating healthy relationships, we will inevitably slip now and then and make mistakes that affect our relationships. This is to be expected. We are practitioners of healthy relationships and as such we are actively engaged in the pursuit of good relationships, but we are not perfect. This said, what we do after realizing our error is the thing that matters most. We can berate ourselves, give up on working on the relationship, choose to ignore the situation, or forgive ourselves and recommit again to creating a healthy relationship. Relationships are not finite entities; they are amoeba-like and can change easily. What’s needed is an attitude of self-acceptance and a plan for action in the future. In the next month, when you notice any damage that you did to a relationship, either unintentionally or intentionally, stop and pause for a moment. Ask yourself the following questions: 1. What harm was created and to whom?; 2. What can I do to forgive myself?; and 3) What can I do to make amends? Follow through with answering these questions and taking different actions. Notice the difference it makes in your relationship. tag:www.umbc.edu,2012:/blogs/wellness//67.17085 2012-12-21T20:59:49Z 2012-12-21T21:00:50Z

Happy New Year! At the end of the year, it’s a perfect time to stop, pause and reflect on the state of our relationships. There are likely many implicit and explicit things we did in the past year to ‘tend’...

Jill Wardell Download file ]]> tag:www.umbc.edu,2012:/blogs/wellness//67.17055 2012-11-30T21:25:47Z 2012-11-30T21:26:48Z

Learning to become peaceful with impermanence is a practice that mindfulness meditators seek to develop on a personal level. However, this practice is also good for relationships. When we think of any observable phenomena, action, behavior, etc. we only need...

Jill Wardell Learning to become peaceful with impermanence is a practice that mindfulness meditators seek to develop on a personal level. However, this practice is also good for relationships. When we think of any observable phenomena, action, behavior, etc. we only need to watch it mindfully to see that there is a natural beginning, middle, and end to it. ‘So what?’ you might be saying. The problem is that we human beings tend to take interactions and parcel them up into boxes – the good, the bad, and the neutral. We then depending on the box create permanent identities that we attach to ourselves and others. What’s the impact on our relationships? We don’t see the natural evolution of our partner or our relationship, we lose faith that things will change, and we try to hold onto experiences that have passed. The bottom line effect is unnecessary suffering for all parties involved. What if we instead let the interactions and behaviors in our relationship come and go, being fully present to them as they arrive, flourish, and eventually depart? Might we find freedom individually and in the relationship as a result? There’s only one way to find out. This month when you find yourself creating conclusions about your partner or relationship over a recent exchange, suspend this judgment and begin observing. How is this experience impermanent? Is it still present or are you holding on to an old story? Can you let go of the past and be peaceful with what’s present now, knowing that it, too, will eventually pass? Notice what shifts in you as a result of this practice and what shifts in your relationship as well. tag:www.umbc.edu,2012:/blogs/wellness//67.17024 2012-11-07T19:10:59Z 2012-11-07T19:11:30Z

In any given day, there are many things that happen to us that can lead to upset…we have a difficult conversation with a colleague, a collaborative effort with others doesn’t go smoothly and a deadline is missed, our boss gives...

Jill Wardell In any given day, there are many things that happen to us that can lead to upset…we have a difficult conversation with a colleague, a collaborative effort with others doesn’t go smoothly and a deadline is missed, our boss gives us a last-minute project with an urgent deadline, our partner doesn’t do what they say they are going to do, etc. These situations can throw us off balance and lead us into a downward spiral of upset and negativity that can impact our own well being and that of our relationship. We often forget that we have a choice in how we react to these situations and instead we become the victim. What if, with these same situations, the next time we choose to either take some sort of effective action (have a conversation, make a request, let the person know how we feel, etc.) or let it go? This month, start becoming aware of the upset that gets generated on a daily basis. Decide which of the numerous upsetting things you can let go of. Then let go and observe how you feel and what difference it makes in your relationship. For the more important things that you can’t let go of, what request can you make instead of complaining about it? Or does it feel more effective to first have a conversation with that person and talk about how you feel when it happens, and then make a request? Try out different ‘moves’ and notice which one best helps you and your relationship move through the upset and achieve harmony. tag:www.umbc.edu,2012:/blogs/wellness//67.16937 2012-09-28T19:38:19Z 2012-09-28T19:39:52Z

One of the most transformative emotions we can cultivate in our relationships is compassion. It’s also typically the last place we go when we’re engaged in a conflict. We usually focus on ourselves, our story, why it’s right, why our...

Jill Wardell Download file ]]> tag:www.umbc.edu,2012:/blogs/wellness//67.16887 2012-08-30T13:41:59Z 2012-08-30T13:44:07Z

So far, we have talked about how to shift our vantage point and our body language around receiving constructive feedback. Now, let’s look at different ways to have the conversation itself. After you hear what your partner has to say,...

Jill Wardell Download file ]]> tag:www.umbc.edu,2012:/blogs/wellness//67.15818 2012-08-08T22:33:59Z 2012-08-08T22:35:32Z

When we want to break old habits and learn something new, we often forget to consider that our body might be a barrier to new learning. Think about it. When you’ve received constructive criticism in the past, how often has...

Jill Wardell When we want to break old habits and learn something new, we often forget to consider that our body might be a barrier to new learning. Think about it. When you’ve received constructive criticism in the past, how often has your body been open and expansive? How often has it been closed and rigid? What difference did it make in your ability to receive the message and how might it have influenced whether your partner offered this feedback to you again? Part of being in relationships is cultivating the ability in our listening, our speaking, and in the way we show up ‘bodied,’ to traverse difficult conversations when they arise. The more we ‘wake up’ to how we ‘show up,’ the more effective we and our relationships become. Since it’s been proven that over 90% of communication is nonverbal, it’s important to start paying attention to the power of our body and how it communicates. In the next month when you receive constructive feedback become aware of your body language. What do you notice? Where you notice tension, try releasing that tension by taking some deep breaths and consciously expanding into that spot. If your facial muscles are tight, try to let go, smile a bit, and soften your gaze. Also pay attention to your breathing. When we stop breathing we lose connection to ourselves and to our partners. By becoming aware of and regulating our breath, we increase our ability to listen and stay connected, even if the message is difficult to hear. What difference does consciously shifting your body language have on your ability to hear constructive feedback? What difference do you observe in the connection with your partner? tag:www.umbc.edu,2012:/blogs/wellness//67.15771 2012-06-29T14:28:44Z 2012-06-29T14:30:38Z

At first glance, this month’s practice might seem overly optimistic. You might be saying to yourself “What? You’ll be lucky if I open myself up to receive constructive feedback at all, let alone with anticipation!” Receiving feedback about how we’re...

Jill Wardell Download file ]]> tag:www.umbc.edu,2012:/blogs/wellness//67.15752 2012-06-01T15:00:48Z 2012-06-01T15:01:13Z

This month’s practice is inspired by a core teaching of Tai Sophia Institute - one that can profoundly transform our view of the world and how we show up in our relationships. The teaching is simple. It first requires us...

Jill Wardell This month’s practice is inspired by a core teaching of Tai Sophia Institute - one that can profoundly transform our view of the world and how we show up in our relationships. The teaching is simple. It first requires us to become an observer of our knee-jerk judgments about things that happen in our relationships. It’s easy to assume our partner’s intention and assume the worst when we’re upset. When you explore an ‘upset is optional’ attitude, you separate the situation from the person and view the situation objectively, focusing on what actually happened (i.e., what words were said, what action occurred, etc.) without attaching judgment. Doing this allows us to view the situation more expansively, holding wide open all possibilities for why X happened. From this more expansive perspective, we are able to reduce our personal stress and design an effective solution, all the while preserving our relationship. In the next month, begin looking for places to practice an ‘upset is optional’ attitude. The next time someone does something that upsets you, ask yourself, ‘Is upset optional? What actually happened and what don’t I know?’ Another way to explore an ‘upset is optional’ attitude is to say ‘How fascinating!’ the next time something upsetting happens. Speaking these words evokes curiosity and possibilities other than your immediate judgment. What do you notice as you practice ‘upset is optional’? What is the impact on your relationships? tag:www.umbc.edu,2012:/blogs/wellness//67.15718 2012-05-03T18:14:16Z 2012-05-03T18:38:51Z

It’s easy to see all of the flaws and areas for improvement in our relationships. It’s also easy to allow ourselves, in seeing these things, to get stuck in a limited belief that things will always be this way. With...

Jill Wardell It’s easy to see all of the flaws and areas for improvement in our relationships. It’s also easy to allow ourselves, in seeing these things, to get stuck in a limited belief that things will always be this way. With this thought, our relationships either stagnate or decline, we give up hope for a different future, and begin making ‘all or nothing’ statements. Let’s step outside the domain of relationships for a moment and observe nature and the cycle of the seasons. Each season contains certain observable phenomena - germination, blossoming, harvesting, decay, composting, etc. Are the cycles that exist within our relationships that much different? If we stand back and simply observe with acceptance the peaks and valleys and all of the spaces in between, might we find true peace? It’s a practice worth trying out. This month, when you observe yourself in a rut in a particular relationship that feels hopeless, step outside this belief for a moment and take a long view. What cycle are you in and what is its purpose? How is it serving your own personal growth and the growth of your relationship? If there appears to be no movement happening, look again. What movement might be happening under the surface? What new possibilities emerge as you expand the way you see your relationship? tag:www.umbc.edu,2012:/blogs/wellness//67.15639 2012-03-30T21:03:31Z 2012-03-30T21:05:36Z

We all know how wonderful it is to receive acknowledgment and how this gift can create connection with our partners. The ability to offer sincere acknowledgment is a core capacity of healthy relationships and a skill we can grow. Think...

Jill Wardell We all know how wonderful it is to receive acknowledgment and how this gift can create connection with our partners. The ability to offer sincere acknowledgment is a core capacity of healthy relationships and a skill we can grow. Think back on a time when you received a heart-felt acknowledgment…what were the qualities of it? Chances are it was a very specific and well-observed piece of praise, not something generic and untrue. How might our relationships be different if we hone our senses and offer a piece of gratitude to our partner for something specific that is happening in the moment? In the next month, pay attention to the daily exchanges in your relationships. If you notice something you appreciate, instead of saying ‘thank you’ or noting internally how good they are at something, try being more specific and verbally offer what you appreciate in that moment. Not sure what words to use? Here are some suggestions: For expressing gratitude: ‘I always know I can count on you for X…that really matters to me.’ For sharing something that you appreciate about the essence of that person: ‘In your presence, life shows up for me as X (whatever quality arises).’ For offering a compliment: ‘It’s clear that X matters to you – you’re so good at that.’ These are some simple suggestions. Use your own words and pay attention to how your gift of gratitude is received!