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A series of monthly relationship practices by Jill Weinknecht Wardell, Training and Development Specialist, Training and Organization Development department
What are “healthy relationships?”
Wellness not only applies to individuals but to relationships as well. What are “healthy relationships?” Healthy relationships are those that are capable of movement, transformation, and change. The way you cultivate healthy relationships is by putting practices into place that raise awareness and create new possibilities for you and/or your partner (whether it be a supervisor, colleague, friend, or loved one).
What is a practice?
A “practice” is something (an action, words, or way of being) that you intentionally put into place in order to create or forward positive change. You may choose to practice for the sake of another without them knowing it or if you have an interested and/or willing partner, you may enroll them to practice with you. Either way, it is important to pay attention to how the quality of the relationship shifts over time.
What are benefits of practicing?
We forget that just as we are capable of change, relationships too, are capable of change. Nothing is “the way it is” – things are the way we design them to be. Practicing helps us reclaim our role as a co-creator of our design. Even if our partner is not willing to practice with us, we can create a sense of peace and well being in ourselves and likely change the course of our relationship simply by choosing different ways of seeing, being, and acting.
Relationships serve not only the two people who are involved but a larger network as well – a department, work colleagues, family, friends, and the community. For the sake of these extended communities and their well being, we need to tend to our relationships to ensure that they are healthy and functioning, providing internal as well as external support to us and to those whom we serve.
Practice Logs
Keeping a practice log is one way of tracking progress. It is not meant to be a journal and need not be lengthy. The intention is to succinctly focus on the following:
- State the practice
- Context in which you employed the practice (at home, at work, etc.)
- What phenomena occurred
- What phenomena you noticed before employing the practice (in yourself and/or in your partner)
- What phenomena you noticed after employing the practice (in yourself and/or in your partner)
Example of how a log entry might look:
January 12, 2009
Practice: Notice the difference between phenomena (what actually happened and observable through the senses) and story (my interpretation of it).
Today, on my way to the office, I said hello to a colleague who did not say hello in return. I immediately noticed my shoulders raise and tense up, my breathing halt, and a feeling of resentment well up. I began creating a story about how rude she was to ignore me, assuming that she had. I remembered my practice and became curious about what other stories and other possibilities might be true. Possibly she didn’t hear me or maybe she was caught up in an assignment. As I imagined these stories to be true, I felt my breathing return to normal, a spaciousness return to my posture, and a feeling of peace return. I was able to let go of my “truth” and any resentment I felt toward this colleague.
December 2012: “Become peaceful with impermanence in your relationship”
Learning to become peaceful with impermanence is a practice that mindfulness meditators seek to develop on a personal level. However, this practice is also good for relationships. When we think of any observable phenomena, action, behavior, etc. we only need to watch it mindfully to see that there is a natural beginning, middle, and end to it. ‘So what?’ you might be saying. The problem is that we human beings tend to take interactions and parcel them up into boxes – the good, the bad, and the neutral. We then depending on the box create permanent identities that we attach to ourselves and others. What’s the impact on our relationships? We don’t see the natural evolution of our partner or our relationship, we lose faith that things will change, and we try to hold onto experiences that have passed. The bottom line effect is unnecessary suffering for all parties involved.
What if we instead let the interactions and behaviors in our relationship come and go, being fully present to them as they arrive, flourish, and eventually depart? Might we find freedom individually and in the relationship as a result? There’s only one way to find out.
This month when you find yourself creating conclusions about your partner or relationship over a recent exchange, suspend this judgment and begin observing. How is this experience impermanent? Is it still present or are you holding on to an old story? Can you let go of the past and be peaceful with what’s present now, knowing that it, too, will eventually pass? Notice what shifts in you as a result of this practice and what shifts in your relationship as well.