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A series of monthly relationship practices by Jill Weinknecht Wardell, Training and Development Specialist, Training and Organization Development department
What are “healthy relationships?”
Wellness not only applies to individuals but to relationships as well. What are “healthy relationships?” Healthy relationships are those that are capable of movement, transformation, and change. The way you cultivate healthy relationships is by putting practices into place that raise awareness and create new possibilities for you and/or your partner (whether it be a supervisor, colleague, friend, or loved one).
What is a practice?
A “practice” is something (an action, words, or way of being) that you intentionally put into place in order to create or forward positive change. You may choose to practice for the sake of another without them knowing it or if you have an interested and/or willing partner, you may enroll them to practice with you. Either way, it is important to pay attention to how the quality of the relationship shifts over time.
What are benefits of practicing?
We forget that just as we are capable of change, relationships too, are capable of change. Nothing is “the way it is” – things are the way we design them to be. Practicing helps us reclaim our role as a co-creator of our design. Even if our partner is not willing to practice with us, we can create a sense of peace and well being in ourselves and likely change the course of our relationship simply by choosing different ways of seeing, being, and acting.
Relationships serve not only the two people who are involved but a larger network as well – a department, work colleagues, family, friends, and the community. For the sake of these extended communities and their well being, we need to tend to our relationships to ensure that they are healthy and functioning, providing internal as well as external support to us and to those whom we serve.
Practice Logs
Keeping a practice log is one way of tracking progress. It is not meant to be a journal and need not be lengthy. The intention is to succinctly focus on the following:
- State the practice
- Context in which you employed the practice (at home, at work, etc.)
- What phenomena occurred
- What phenomena you noticed before employing the practice (in yourself and/or in your partner)
- What phenomena you noticed after employing the practice (in yourself and/or in your partner)
Example of how a log entry might look:
January 12, 2009
Practice: Notice the difference between phenomena (what actually happened and observable through the senses) and story (my interpretation of it).
Today, on my way to the office, I said hello to a colleague who did not say hello in return. I immediately noticed my shoulders raise and tense up, my breathing halt, and a feeling of resentment well up. I began creating a story about how rude she was to ignore me, assuming that she had. I remembered my practice and became curious about what other stories and other possibilities might be true. Possibly she didn’t hear me or maybe she was caught up in an assignment. As I imagined these stories to be true, I felt my breathing return to normal, a spaciousness return to my posture, and a feeling of peace return. I was able to let go of my “truth” and any resentment I felt toward this colleague.
November 2009: Let go of needing to be ‘right.’
From experience and from observing breakdowns in relationships, this practice is one that could teach us for a lifetime and have transformational effects in our relationships. When we hold the story “I’m right,” we shut off any other possibility for partnership and collaboration with others. There is no room for them in this story, and quite frankly, there’s no room for us to learn, change, and grow personally or in our relationships. Our attachment to being right can be either obvious or subtle and it’s worthy territory to explore the various ways that our attachment manifests and how this affects our relationships.
Notice in your conversations with others when you are attached to your story, belief, etc. For example, you may be someone who cherishes collaboration and yet after asking for others’ opinions, you look for validation about how you’re right. What others might feel in the presence of this kind of exchange is that you don’t really want their opinion, aren’t hearing them, and it might lead to lack of trust and lack of true collaboration. Once you notice where you are attached, ask for your partner’s opinion and see if there’s a win-win that allows you both to be right. Or, if you are unwilling to let go entirely, let go of a piece and notice what shifts occur within the dynamic of the conversation. If you still find yourself attached, ask yourself whether your desire to be right is worth the potential damage to the relationship.