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A series of monthly relationship practices by Jill Weinknecht Wardell, Training and Development Specialist, Training and Organization Development department
What are healthy relationships?
Wellness not only applies to individuals but to relationships as well. What are healthy relationships? Healthy relationships are those that are capable of movement, transformation, and change. The way you cultivate healthy relationships is by putting practices into place that raise awareness and create new possibilities for you and/or your partner (whether it be a supervisor, colleague, friend, or loved one).
What is a practice?
A practice is something (an action, words, or way of being) that you intentionally put into place in order to create or forward positive change. You may choose to practice for the sake of another without them knowing it or if you have an interested and/or willing partner, you may enroll them to practice with you. Either way, it is important to pay attention to how the quality of the relationship shifts over time.
What are benefits of practicing?
We forget that just as we are capable of change, relationships too, are capable of change. Nothing is the way it is things are the way we design them to be. Practicing helps us reclaim our role as a co-creator of our design. Even if our partner is not willing to practice with us, we can create a sense of peace and well being in ourselves and likely change the course of our relationship simply by choosing different ways of seeing, being, and acting.
Relationships serve not only the two people who are involved but a larger network as well a department, work colleagues, family, friends, and the community. For the sake of these extended communities and their well being, we need to tend to our relationships to ensure that they are healthy and functioning, providing internal as well as external support to us and to those whom we serve.
Practice Logs
Keeping a practice log is one way of tracking progress. It is not meant to be a journal and need not be lengthy. The intention is to succinctly focus on the following:
- State the practice
- Context in which you employed the practice (at home, at work, etc.)
- What phenomena occurred
- What phenomena you noticed before employing the practice (in yourself and/or in your partner)
- What phenomena you noticed after employing the practice (in yourself and/or in your partner)
Example of how a log entry might look:
January 12, 2009
Practice: Notice the difference between phenomena (what actually happened and observable through the senses) and story (my interpretation of it).
Today, on my way to the office, I said hello to a colleague who did not say hello in return. I immediately noticed my shoulders raise and tense up, my breathing halt, and a feeling of resentment well up. I began creating a story about how rude she was to ignore me, assuming that she had. I remembered my practice and became curious about what other stories and other possibilities might be true. Possibly she didn't hear me or maybe she was caught up in an assignment. As I imagined these stories to be true, I felt my breathing return to normal, a spaciousness return to my posture, and a feeling of peace return. I was able to let go of my truth and any resentment I felt toward this colleague.
July 2013: “Cultivating Deposits in our Emotional Bank Account: Keeping Commitmentsâ€
One of the key ways we can cultivate deposits into our emotional bank account with others is by keeping our commitments – i.e., doing what we said we would do when we said we would do it. We have likely all experienced times when our partners have not kept their commitments to us. The result is an erosion of the trust we have in them, which equates to a big withdrawal in Covey’s model. Whenever possible, staying on target with our commitments to others not only strengthens our relationships, it builds our credibility as a person of integrity.
And, this said, ‘life shows up’ sometimes and we need to give ourselves and others room to renegotiate when commitments can’t be kept. We may need more time to fulfill the promise or we may realize that we need to break the promise. Either way, having this conversation early and proactively, while likely disappointing, builds credibility and shows respect to our partner, which equates to a deposit.
This month, focus on the commitments you have made to partners in your life. How are you doing in keeping those commitments? When you keep them, notice how that deposit shifts the relationship. If you are tempted to break them, consider first the impact of the withdrawal and try proactively renegotiating. Notice how this form of deposit impacts the relationship as well.