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« "They Die First..." | Main | Eyes Wide Shut »

November 1, 2007 |Permalink |Comments (7)

Choice Matters

Rich makes a telling observation in the comments.

I also have people in my life whom I believe are not stuck in adulthood but are simply not ready to move to the next chapter yet, if ever. One such friend is in her mid 80's and is having the time of her life still "doing" and may never find the time for just "being". But that is her choice, and while it would not be mine, I reject the notion that she is somehow misguided or missing out on the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow of life. The rub for me is when people find themselves in boxes not of their own making or choice. Death is the enemy of the happy man but it is not the kind of enemy to be feared but rather avoided at all costs. I know that I will embrace my elderhood with passion. I also will celebrate with those who are enjoying the fine patina of a rich extended adulthood. I believe that some people simply never need or want desert with a carefully prepared and joyfully eaten main course.

Some academics argue that the impulse toward gerotranscendence is a primal human drive and thus an elemental part of human nature. Others respond that these changes are more likely to represent a kind of widely shared "tendency. In either case, the culture in which one lives can either enable or impede change in late life.

(Cultural norms are well known as inhibitors of other "universal human tendencies.")

Our task is to dream of, and then bring into being , a society where people can freely choose the kind of elderhood that fits them best.

Comments ( 7)

I appreciate this viewpoint. As an elder reader of elder blogs I am uneasy with perspectives which counsel one way of being an elder.

Posted by Judith
November 1, 2007 12:32 PM

I have to also wonder if this a product of our culture devaluing Being as adults. I am reminded of documentary I saw years ago chronicling a tribe that lived in the Amazon. The anthropologist who had spent years with them spoke of how they approximately 3 hours a day completing the tasks they needed for survival. 3 hours! I was shocked. The rest of their time was spent on cultural, religious, and social pursuits. Time in our society is a luxury. Time spent on reflection is a luxury can quickly be cast into the light of 'idle hands'. I wonder if the transition to Being from Doing would be easier for elders if Being came with less baggage in adulthood.
I guess I am asking if the transition to gerotrancendance is not a problem of change in later life, but a lack of time to address human nature in adulthood.

Posted by Nate
November 1, 2007 3:15 PM

Consider my mother, yes, an n of one, but instructive to me none the less. Born in 1917, she’d seen a lot of life before her death at age 84. She didn’t appear to change much at all as she aged – didn’t convert from staunch atheist to a more spiritual person; didn’t sniff the air and marvel at the leaves and beautiful sunsets, but instead continued to long for the pavement and noise of her beloved New York City; didn’t become more reasoned and reasonable, less cynical and contemptuous. Devoid of the trappings of her youth, when she seemed often to run full speed ahead, darting here and there, whirling and deflecting, ducking and parrying, she didn’t seem to have anywhere to hide. Like a sauce, thickening on the stove, reducing as they say, she simply seemed to become more of herself.

Posted by Judith (MAgS)
November 1, 2007 5:27 PM

You guys are visionaries! The norm is that the medical establishment, the "retirement" establishment, the "family" establishment and all of the other establishments that converge on our elders push them into narrower and narrower channels, reducing choice, all "for the best" for them.
Second, this culture's obsession with doing and longevity leaves little time for being that often isn't invaded by creeping dementia. Being who one wants is a luxury that few have either the capacity, desire or wisdom to aim for, whether as adolescent, adult or elder. Full life education is needed. Vive la revolution!

Posted by Chris
November 1, 2007 7:16 PM

I strongly concur in wanting "...a society where people can freely choose the kind of elderhood that fits them best."

I learned of your blog recently at "Time Goes By" where I was first introduced to your ideas a year or two ago by Ronni Bennett's writing about aging.

I have been especially pleased to note you express much of the same philosophy toward elders I have endorsed, practiced personally with family and as a rehab health care professional for many years now. These aging issues have assumed additional significance to me now as an elder, to the degree that among other activities, I have become an Elderblogger. I write from an Elder's perspective and often address aging issues.

I am concerned that your blog's black background makes the print on your blog very difficult for people to read, especially elders (whether or not they have diagnosed vision deficits.) You may wish to explore those issues since black print on white is generally best. FYI I posted on the topic as have others, since it is such an important matter for readers. ;-)

Posted by Joared
November 3, 2007 1:34 AM

I recently conducted an interview with a candidate for a position in our dining services. She is 62 years old and has just taken a retirement package because her company was moving out of state. What was supposed to be a 5 minute meet and greet turned into a 45 minute discussion about her own approaching elderhood. This lady wants to work until she dies because there is nothing after retirement, in her words. Dr. Bill, maybe she isn't ready to take the next step into elderhood from adulthood but my goal is to create an environment where she can see that there is sonething else out there.

Posted by Chris G. (MAgS)
November 5, 2007 9:33 PM

I have learned that there is a high rate of change in technology but basic prinicipals tend to remain static. The good news is that there are always some who know how to learn from those who have gone before. They are the ones who make real changes happen.

What happens in technology, happens in the family is well. You cannot force your experience on a younger person, but it's there if they want it. Therefore we must be aware of our choices in elderhood wich can bring greater assurance, security, and enjoyment in life as we age. When I look at family members older than myself, knowing their history and seeing how they have learned from life is both an encouragement and a warning to me. They offer a reality I can't get from words.

Posted by George (MAgs)
November 8, 2007 5:25 AM

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