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« Turtle Lodge | Main | Age With Rage »

October 31, 2007 |Permalink |Comments (7)

Happy? Halloween

Wow, another deep, thoughtful comment that really gets at the key issues. I am humbled.

Does everyone eventually reach gerotranscendence?

The answer is no. There are three points to be made here.

1) Many people die too young to have experienced this kind of mental development.

2) Many people live to an advanced age but never to learn go of the fevered pre-occupations of youth and adulthood. In a sense, they are developmentally disabled, stuck in adulthood, they are unable to break the grip that the memory of youth holds on their minds.

3) Many people live in societies that pave the way into elderhood and the transition from adult to elder is well understood and well trod. They may experience many of the changes associated with the fullness of elderhood but do not feel the change because it was always normal and expected.

At about what age? I'll be 66 next month and I definitely am not gerotransendent.

You are young and that may be part of the problem. Do you look forward to growing older? The automatic answer to that question in our society is, "Heavens No!" Could you look forward to outgrowing the stage of life you find yourself in today? Yes you could, if you chose to do so. This is what makes the jump into elderhood to difficult in American society. Their is no clear path, no clear leader, and few role models.

To the contrary, I'm feeling very vulnerable at this age, especially when former classmates have either recently died or have cancer. It's kind of like I suddenly came to the tack-sharp realization that, yes, I, too, am going to die.

Yes you are going to die. I am going to die. Everyone I love is going to die. Nothing can change that fact. The "sharp-tack" feeling is a nudge from your "inner elder" to come to grips with this morality and move ahead.


And I'm scared. Not of being dead. But of the vast unknown that surrounds the dying process itself. And the possibility of intractable pain, or dying in some other horrible way. My grandmother died in her sleep; that's a good death. My mother is 91; she doesn't seem scared of what is to come.

If your mother can do it, so can you! Embrace the truth of your own mortality. Obtain or update your health care proxy or durable power of attorney. Doing so will improve your quality of life by reducing your fear.


My husband, 20 years older than I, is in the severe stage of Alzheimer's. Sometimes he'll look at me and tell me I'm dead, which is creepy. He often says he's dead. Maybe these are reasons why death is scaring me right now.

Your experience reminds us that most of the suffering associated with Alzheimer's Disease is borne by loved ones. You are losing your mate, you feel him slipping away from you and he probably feels something similar. Your distress is 100% understandable. It is also true that there is nothing you can do to cure him.

So, what I am about to suggest is difficult but potentially rewarding. It is possible to put your husband's comments into a new, more philosophical context. When he tells you that you are dead you can be reminded that life is precious and tenuous at best. He is a sage, helping you remember to value each and every moment. When he says that he is dead. You can remember that everyone around you is only minutes from death every day and act to repair and strengthen relationships with the people you love.

This is not easy to do but it yields deep and lasting benefits.



Well, it IS Halloween today, so I guess Death is saying BOO and scaring the spooks right of me.

In this case, the joke's on--- Death. Hah!

BTW, congratulations on your blog. I think it's going to be a big help to those of us who are - gasp - rapidly heading toward elderhood and wondering how the heck we got here so dang fast.

You are my elder and I am glad you are out there exploring this undiscovered country we call elderhood.

RRYS_Cover_Y.jpg

I love this artist.

Comments ( 7)

Thanks for posting this important and interesting topic to ponder, especially on Halloween. Today we "celebrate" by "scaring" ourselves openly with symbols and scenes of death, while (in this culture) we avoid the topic as much as possible the rest of the time. Perhaps Halloween is just a necessary societial outlet for all pent-up fear of death we carry around most of the time.

The prespective that we have the capacity to view death (and our approach to it) as a part of life, to be understood, accepted and as a compliment to a life well-lead (no matter what chronological age we are), seems so much more healthy and ultimately productive for the individual and our communities. There is beauty in a full life, and such a life is enhanced, not diminished, by a dignified and accepted understanding of death.

Happy Halloween.

Posted by Jon (MAgS)
October 31, 2007 7:40 PM

Thank you, Bill, for responding to my post so quickly. You asked, "Do you look forward to growing older?" Sure I do, in the sense that I'd far rather collect birthdays than be laid low now. Besides, I have so many interests that I need many more years in which to pursue them. I may be, at this "young" age (thank you for saying I'm young) frightened of death, but that doesn't mean I'm scared to head into the future. I will follow the tracks of those who have gone before, even as I also blaze my own new trails.

Yes, when my husband tells me I'm dead, first I recoil, then I assure myself I'm still very much alive. All of life is a process, and this coming to the acceptance of one's own mortality is another phase of that process. I figure most of us reach that acceptance in a back-and-forth way ... sometimes scared, sometimes not so very.

I once wrote a rather raunchy poem about scaring Death to death. I'm reminded of it now on Halloween.

One nice thing about being my age is the sense of settling into mySELF, being more grounded. When you're grounded, you're more stable, and from there you can slow yourself down enough to see the whole amazing scope of your life, kind of like seeing the Milky Way spanning the clear night sky. It's an awesome thing, really, seeing that. It gives you courage to keep exploring. You're not hunting for yourself anymore. You've already found yourself, now you can reach way out there and touch those stars. Like I said, it's an awesome thing.

It is quite possibly the beginning of gerotranscendence. Or maybe just plain old transcendence.

Thank you for mentioning the artist whose work you love. His book is right up my alley. Photos! Haiku! YES!

If you or anyone else would like to read a short piece about a touching "Alzheimer's episode" my husband had, go to www.bobraymer.com, click "Enter," and then click the item called "Help Me."

Thank you for this forum in which to express our thoughts on "growing older, growing up."

Posted by SuzyR
October 31, 2007 9:17 PM

I believe that every life is a special and very personal journey. I work in a continuing care retirement community and have the unique opportunity to observe many who have chosen to seize the enormous opportunities that gerotranscendence affords them. They have learned to get down off the corporate ladder, shed the mantles of title and position, and find deeper meaning in life through the creative arts or simply in the art of relationships with people at diverse levels in society. I believe that I am blest in that I can see "a clear path" and I have many "role models" for healthy aging in elderhood. What an incredible fringe benefit in one's employment. I also have people in my life whom I believe are not stuck in adulthood but are simply not ready to move to the next chapter yet, if ever. One such friend is in her mid 80's and is having the time of her life still "doing" and may never find the time for just "being". But that is her choice, and while it would not be mine, I reject the notion that she is somehow misguided or missing out on the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow of life. The rub for me is when people find themselves in boxes not of their own making or choice. Death is the enemy of the happy man but it is not the kind of enemy to be feared but rather avoided at all costs. I know that I will embrace my elderhood with passion. I also will celebrate with those who are enjoying the fine patina of a rich extended adulthood. I believe that some people simply never need or want desert with a carefully prepared and joyfully eaten main course. My tears are for those who are stuck in "seniorlimbo" (aka aging in place) and simply do not know how to move into the light. Maybe such people would benefit from a few ghosts of Halloweens past to shake some Scrooge like sense into them.

Posted by Rich (MAgS)
October 31, 2007 9:25 PM

Did you ever have a clinical geriatric practice?

Posted by SuzyR
November 1, 2007 12:27 PM

I ran my own practice in Utica, NY for almost a dozen years--- loved it.

Posted by Dr. Thomas
November 1, 2007 3:01 PM

As a follow up to Rich’s comment about a woman he knows that is perfectly happy and productive as a adult, though her age may indicate that she is ready for elderhood, I’d like to put forth a question about those who can’t quite seem to get into adulthood, though their age and circumstances in life imply that this is certainly where they should be. Case in point, for years I have noticed that on Halloween night several of the men in my neighborhood walk around the community with beer in hand and a cooler trailing them in the kid’s wagon. These are 30 and 40 something’s who haven’t fully accepted their new positions as role models and adults. So many people seem to be holding on to adolescence well past their 20s. I imagine this behavior is more prevalent for the late baby boomers and for the generations that follow – those who have not had the immense responsibilities and hardships faced by previous generations. I wonder how these terminal adolescents will face elderhood. Will they be able to reach this level of maturity and acceptance, or will they continue to hold on to the past – rejecting their more valuable place in society?

Posted by Brenda - MAgS
November 4, 2007 10:56 AM

A very poignant post. It made me think alot.

Posted by Randall Colvin
November 29, 2007 7:07 PM

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